Krave, the Bovine Proctologist
You may have thought that I would continue the story. I was going to honsest, but then I realised that it’s really a vault story and it would be wrong of me to spill the beans about the beast. I’ll leave that for Surly to do. It did take a sleepless night of tossing and well more tossing to come to this conclusion, so sorry.
The freaking snake though! That’s fair freaking game! Bastard thing!
Sorry.
It’s like this. I conned my mate from work to come over after work and help me snake out the drain in my basement that’s been flooding. Now this turned out to be a big deal because it didn’t stop snowing all bloody day! So by the time we left work at 5:30 – I told him he could skip out if he had to go home, he said it was fine – there was three or four inches out there and the freeways were all full. The result. All the back roads that I usally take home were full as well. Extending my commute from 10 minutes to and hour and a half. To make it worse, Teacher was meeting us there. She’d called bored and frustrated, “of course you can come round, but I’m gonna be playing with a snake!” Sounded way funnier before I went for the bastard.
When I pull into my street, there’s M. With his car running obviously waiting for me outside my house. And lo! There’s Teacher all bundled up with a scarf wrapped around her head shoveling my freaking driveway! Awesome! After she finished shouting at me for driving over the remaining snow. M and I went down to look at the drain, “yep, 4 inches” he says.
I get changed then off to Home Depot to rent a snake. Now I had no idea what a freakin’ snake looked like. Let alone the fact that they weigh a couple of hundred pounds. So while the sales guy is talking to M about the attachments and that. I’m just staring around blankly until it comes time to pay. We end up getting the short (weighs a hundred pounds less than the big one) version. The sales gadgy has some concerns when M and I are talking about if it will fit.
Me: “Do ya think that one’ll fit?”
M: “Oh yeah”
Sales boy: “Err. What ya trying to get it into”
Me: “A car”
SB: “We don’t recommend that people transport them in the trunk. We loose a lot of them that way”
M: “It’s alright, it’s going on the back seat”
I can see that the Sales Guy is about to have a cow.
M: “The back door is broken so the door opens to 90 degrees”, he says grinning at the expression on the guys face.
With that covered, we wrestle the bastard thing through the snow and into his car. Me on the inside of course pulling it in, while he has the unenviable job of lifting the motor and the cable.
Back at the house and Teacher has finished clearing the entire driveway. She is truly awesome. She’s now on the PC snickering while reading Bees Knees latest installment. I’m all excited. I have a new power tool that is built for mayhem!
It’s got attachments that look like the torture devices they used on Mel Gibson at the end of Brave Heart. Fabulous. I clip on the one that looks like an arrow head but is actually a double sided knife for starters. Shove it down the hole and am about to press the button when says, “What do ya think your doing? You have to stick your hand in there and see which way the drain goes!”
“.. Err ..”, looking between the length of glistening steel that is the snake, to the slimy whole that’s full of nasty ‘water’, and M.
He starts nodding his head and smiling at me, slowly it dawns on me he means it. Bollocks.
I pull up my sleeve and shove my arm in up to my elbow and groping around. Let me tell you, it was exactly like what it would feel like to be a bovine proctologist. Fucking disgusting. *shudder* I’m gagging as I’m forced to remember it.
After an hour of fighting the snake would even fit round the bloody pipe! It wasn’t malleable enough! My freakin’ arm was though! Oh yes!
*sigh*
On the plus side though the Sales Boy didn’t charge me the expected $65 for rental. I think he took pity on me since I went back with my sleeves rolled up and crap all over my arms. This is why I hire people. I can surely do without this shite.
The freaking snake though! That’s fair freaking game! Bastard thing!
Sorry.
It’s like this. I conned my mate from work to come over after work and help me snake out the drain in my basement that’s been flooding. Now this turned out to be a big deal because it didn’t stop snowing all bloody day! So by the time we left work at 5:30 – I told him he could skip out if he had to go home, he said it was fine – there was three or four inches out there and the freeways were all full. The result. All the back roads that I usally take home were full as well. Extending my commute from 10 minutes to and hour and a half. To make it worse, Teacher was meeting us there. She’d called bored and frustrated, “of course you can come round, but I’m gonna be playing with a snake!” Sounded way funnier before I went for the bastard.
When I pull into my street, there’s M. With his car running obviously waiting for me outside my house. And lo! There’s Teacher all bundled up with a scarf wrapped around her head shoveling my freaking driveway! Awesome! After she finished shouting at me for driving over the remaining snow. M and I went down to look at the drain, “yep, 4 inches” he says.
I get changed then off to Home Depot to rent a snake. Now I had no idea what a freakin’ snake looked like. Let alone the fact that they weigh a couple of hundred pounds. So while the sales guy is talking to M about the attachments and that. I’m just staring around blankly until it comes time to pay. We end up getting the short (weighs a hundred pounds less than the big one) version. The sales gadgy has some concerns when M and I are talking about if it will fit.
Me: “Do ya think that one’ll fit?”
M: “Oh yeah”
Sales boy: “Err. What ya trying to get it into”
Me: “A car”
SB: “We don’t recommend that people transport them in the trunk. We loose a lot of them that way”
M: “It’s alright, it’s going on the back seat”
I can see that the Sales Guy is about to have a cow.
M: “The back door is broken so the door opens to 90 degrees”, he says grinning at the expression on the guys face.
With that covered, we wrestle the bastard thing through the snow and into his car. Me on the inside of course pulling it in, while he has the unenviable job of lifting the motor and the cable.
Back at the house and Teacher has finished clearing the entire driveway. She is truly awesome. She’s now on the PC snickering while reading Bees Knees latest installment. I’m all excited. I have a new power tool that is built for mayhem!
It’s got attachments that look like the torture devices they used on Mel Gibson at the end of Brave Heart. Fabulous. I clip on the one that looks like an arrow head but is actually a double sided knife for starters. Shove it down the hole and am about to press the button when says, “What do ya think your doing? You have to stick your hand in there and see which way the drain goes!”
“.. Err ..”, looking between the length of glistening steel that is the snake, to the slimy whole that’s full of nasty ‘water’, and M.
He starts nodding his head and smiling at me, slowly it dawns on me he means it. Bollocks.
I pull up my sleeve and shove my arm in up to my elbow and groping around. Let me tell you, it was exactly like what it would feel like to be a bovine proctologist. Fucking disgusting. *shudder* I’m gagging as I’m forced to remember it.
After an hour of fighting the snake would even fit round the bloody pipe! It wasn’t malleable enough! My freakin’ arm was though! Oh yes!
*sigh*
On the plus side though the Sales Boy didn’t charge me the expected $65 for rental. I think he took pity on me since I went back with my sleeves rolled up and crap all over my arms. This is why I hire people. I can surely do without this shite.
posted by Krave at 17:19
3 Comments:
You're just as hysterical as ever! Hugs!
The whole time I was reading the post I kept thinking, "Can't he just hire someone?", and then I read the conclusion. Yes, DIY sometimes is not worth the hassle.
LOL....ya know i've been visiting random blogs this morning because I've "been tagged" and am tagging you....he he he
...but i LOVE your blog and if it's ok with you, would like to permanently link to it on mine...so can I??? Makes it easier for me to visit more often.
oh yeah, you've been tagged...here is how it works...Ok, so, here are the rules: The first player of this game starts with the topic five weird habits. People who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly.
In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals.
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